From: The office of the vice-chancellor

Dear colleague,

I am delighted to bring you the results of the Poppleton staff opinion survey.

Q1. How would you describe your degree of job satisfaction?

a. Very satisfied: 2 per cent
b. Satisfied: 86 per cent
c. I'm a compulsive whinger: 12 per cent

Q2. Which description best fits your view of the vice-chancellor?

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a. Doing an excellent job: 1 per cent
b. Doing a good job: 98 per cent
c. I would like to be considered for early retirement: 1 per cent

Q3. How would you describe the university's commitment to traditional academic values?

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a. Very committed: 2 per cent
b. Committed: 97 per cent
c. Don't ask me, I'm in the philosophy department: 1 per cent

Q4. How proud are you to be associated with Poppleton University?

a. Very proud: 0.1 per cent
b. Proud: 86.9 per cent
c. Pass the jobs pages: 3 per cent

Q5. How would you rate the physical fabric of the university?

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a. An architectural triumph: 0 per cent
b. Pleasing: 88 per cent
c. Mind the damp: 12 per cent

Q6. How satisfied are you with the democratic structures of the university?

a. Completely satisfied: 0.001 per cent
b. Satisfied: 24.999 per cent
c. Who decided that? 75 per cent

These results show that 88.2 per cent of staff are delighted to be working at Poppleton. This represents a 0.03 increase in satisfaction compared with the 2002 survey - firm evidence that we are successfully meeting the challenge of change going forwards.

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The vice-chancellor

Statistical footnote
Forms distributed: 1,3
Forms completed: 24
Forms disqualified for anonymous abuse: 346
Forms not returned by deadline: 957