Italian students tend to drop out of university because ofthe sadism of their professors - Report by dean of psychiatry, University of Sassari, Sardinia, THES, March 14

You know what this is all about?

Yes.

Good. Well, let me say without any more ado that your overall performance this term has been grossly unsatisfactory.

Really?

Did you hear what I said? I said "grossly unsatisfactory". And do you know what that means? It means that you have failed to reach a satisfactory standard on every evaluative criterion.

I've had some problems at home.

I'm not the least bit interestedin your lame excuses. These scores are inexcusable. Youhave not only failed. You have failed lamentably.

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I will try to do better in future.

It's impossible to imagine that you could do any worse. I can only hope that you are aware of the dire consequences of any future failure of this kind.

Yes, I am aware.

Right, I'm going to leave it at that for today. Let's hope that the message has penetrated your thick head. I'll leave you now to reflect upon your utter inadequacy.

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Thank you. Thank you. Oh, one small thing. On your way out would you be good enough to ask Maureen to pop in and see me. I think I have another of these student evaluations before lunch.

Certainly, Professor Lapping.By the way, if you intendto make a better impression on your next student assessor than you did on me, thenI'd recommend a change in posture.

How d'you mean?

You might just consider getting off your knees.