From: The departmental secretary (Maureen)
Subject: Emails
As you will see from the circulation list I have included at the foot of this email, I am now writing to all academic members of this department with what I hope will prove to be a simple request: Will you please stop sending me so many emails?
Although it's very reassuring to have confirmation that you are still out there, I can't help thinking that the administrative efficiency of this department would be greatly improved if I had something slightly more positive to do every morning than read 250 largely irrelevant messages.
I have listed below some examples of the types of email that you might henceforth keep entirely to yourselves:
1. Emails that tell me you are about to do something.
Eg: Dear Maureen. I thought I'd let you know that I'll be in the library next Thursday afternoon, catching up on some research. Cheers for now.
2. Emails that tell me you are now doing something.
Eg: Dear Maureen. A quick email to let you know that I'm now catching up on the theory course marking. Should have it finished pretty soon. All the best.
3. Emails that tell me you have now finished doing something.
Eg: Dear Maureen. Just to let you know that I've now seen Janet Drewer about her overdue dissertation and everything seems to be going along OK. Bye.
4. Emails that pretend to be responses to my emails, but, in fact, are nothing of the kind.
Eg: Dear Maureen. Thanks a lot for your email about the proposed venue for the Christmas party. I'll give this some thought and get back to you pretty soon. Cheers.
5. Emails that are sent to me because I somehow happen to be on your circulation list.
Eg: Dear Doctor Gilpin, thanks for the help you gave me at the medical centre last Tuesday. Although the swelling is still noticeable, the ointment has greatly reduced the itch.
Thank you for your attention. Please don't reply to this email. No, really, don't.